Sports Gossip

Dan Wetzel is a gossip-seeking sports columnist.  Baseball, Football, Basketball, MMA, Boxing, and more… it doesn’t matter… this f-ing guy is equally annoying at writing in any category.  From claiming Lebron James is an overrated player AND choke artist, to saying the big ten is one of the weakest conferences in college football, to spreading lies about Roger Clemens for attention… this guy dominates the ever expanding 2% demographic that is women who crave gossip in sports.  No one is better at finding (or creating) gossip in sports.  Yeah, that’s right, he’s even more of a gossipy bitch than ESPN’s Chris Mortensen (who just created a story about Carson Palmer needing Tommy John surgery).  What’s next for Dan Wetzel?  I predict his reporting of a Lakers game in which he talks about the movie stars in the crowd more than the game itself.  Maybe he will write more about MMA people and what they are really like when they are outside of the ring?  Either way it will probably be nothing more than pointless drivel instead of real sports writing.

When did this trend of finding the in-depth gossip in sports begin?  I don’t know and I don’t f-ing care.  The pioneers are clearly Wetzel and Mortensen.  Nice work, bitches.

Roger Riney is a Tool

Have you seen any of the Scottrade commercials?  There is the one where the little dude builds a giant treehouse for his friends.  Then there is the one where the guy says “Roger that” while flying a helicopter.  There are a couple of others as well, but you get the point…  That douche, Roger Riney, is the CEO of the company (Scottrade) and clearly loves seeing himself on TV and talking about how great he is.  The most important thing you need to ask yourself after watching those commercials is:  Can you possibly imagine, in any scenario, this guy not being a tool?

Simplified Billing

Have you seen Time Warner Cable’s commercial about simplified billing?  Have you ever seen a ‘business class’ bill from Time Warner Cable?  What the F?  They might as well advertise their service as coming with a genie and 3 wishes… its all BS.  Time Warner Cable screws us again!

Hey Adam “Pacman” Jones…

I don’t even know where to start… ok, the nickname… Pacman?  What the F kind of nickname is Pacman?  Why name yourself after a boring, obsolete video game?  I think I remember reading that you named yourself that because you “gobble up” yards and footballs and shit.  Whatever, the reasoning doesn’t really matter.  Its a retarded nickname and I love that you recently asked to be called just plain, old Adam Jones or even Mr. Jones… No can do, Pacman… the nickname is sticking around, JACKASS. 

Hey Pacman, how many times have you been detained by the police?  How many games have you missed due to suspension? 

You have been arrested six times and involved in a dozen incidents requiring police intervention!?!  That is incredible!  Seriously, how is that even possible?  The statisticians are dead wrong when they say you don’t hold any NFL records… because that has to be the best in NFL history.  You can tack at least 4 more onto your previous 16 suspended games… that’s 20 that you have gobbled up so far.

“I’m going to behave from now on.  I’ve learned my lesson.”  WRONG!

You got wasted and picked a fight with a team-hired bodyguard and some random girl?  Nice move!  That is an amazing use of common sense.  I can see it unfolding: 

“Hmmm… I’ve made it through 5 games now… I’m going to get my Cristal on and hit the night clubs.  (4 hours later…)  Who are these people to tell the Pacman what to do?  I’ve got to represent…  F this, I aint backing down to no one.  I’m the Pacman!” 

Fight ensues… Police arrive.

I overheard some people talking about his suspension and one guy asked, “Man, what is wrong with this guy?  You would think he would have learned by now.”

Question: Pacman, why haven’t you learned by now? 

Answer: Because you are a dirty thug.

Your name will be soon be commonly used as a verb: The Cincinnati Bengals are hoping Chris Henry doesn’t Pacman his opportunity this time.

Pacmanned- to be up a creek without a paddle, to have the whole world in the palm of your hand and just blow it.  (See Also Munsoned)

I think your NFL career may be over… but don’t worry, your legacy (the nickname) will be a punchline for years to come.

Time Warner Cable

This will not be my rant on how bad Time Warner Cable’s customer service is, or how I wish to destroy that company’s monopoly so they immediately fail.  They suck and everyone knows it.  Instead, it is a direct attack on their “4 day sale” commercial.  How many f-ing 4 day sales can you possibly have?!?  Who directed that commerial?  Was it the winner of a grade school video editing contest of some sort?  Stop airing it already!  Use some of your monopoly made money to make a new commercial.  Its almost as bad as the Subway commercials… Dawg.  Time Warner Cable sucks!

Subway

How bad are Subway’s commercials?  You know, those $5 footlong commercials…  What the F?