The Socially Abrasive

The Blog of the One and Only, Latch Beam

Archive for February, 2009

Worst Zombie Movie Ever

Posted by latchbeam on February 25, 2009

Those of you who are lucky enough to be in the inner circle of freinds of Latch Beam, know that I like zombie movies… I can’t honestly think of a zombie movie I have seen that I didn’t care for, or at least find to be somehow entertaining.  However, last night I decided to watch a movie on Showtime called “The Ring of Darkness” at 2:00am.  The description of the movie was “singer joins a band of zombies.” 

How cool does that sound, right?  What unfolded in the next few minutes, I must share with you, so you don’t make the same mistake that I did.  The description is false advertising to say the least.  To my surprise, this movie was not good… not good at all.  In fact, looking back on the time I spent watching the movie, I would have rather spent that time being stuck in traffic with Nancy Pelosi and Barbara Boxer. 

This movie was about a F-ing boy band, made up of zombies that eat people, who were having tryouts to replace their lead singer (of whom they killed and ate).  I am not making this up.  Its gets worse… much worse.  One of the stars of this movie was Hobie Buchannon (Jeremy Jackson… I had to spend time looking that up… Side Note: Hobie is a junkie in real life!) from Baywatch and some American Idol chick (Ryan Starr) who I thought was playing a partially retarded girl at first.  It turns out that she wasn’t really trying to be retarded, she is just really that bad of an actress. 

The same f-ing song kept playing over and over thoughout… I can’t explain how annoying it was. 

I wanted to stop watching this, but there were supposed to be zombies in it… and any movie with zombies is supposed to be a recipe for success.  This was not the case.  It was a train wreck!  How do you stop watching a train wreck?  Its really difficult.  I eventually stopped watching it about 45 minutes or so into the movie, because of that horrid song and they kept showing the dudes dancing without shirts on.  It was some of the worst acting I have ever seen and the plot… the plot was the worst ever… I talking about the entire history of movies. 

I would love to meet this director so I could ask him what he was thinking when he wrote this… I would then beat him relentlessly.  I would also like to meet whoever invested money or time into creating this fiasco, just to ask them if this was somehow a big joke they were playing on someone.  I would then severely beat all of them as well.    

The only thing these Dbags had in common with zombies is that they eat people… they were cannibals, not zombies. 

If I had to watch the rest of the movie, I would create some sort of drinking game out of it.  For example, every time that F-ing song plays, you have to take a drink. 

Don’t watch The Ring of Darkness… there are no zombies, it blows and now that I’m thinking about it there was no F-ing ring either.  What the f?

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Posted by latchbeam on February 18, 2009

Question: What does PETA mean?

Answer: People Eating Tasty Animals

Another acceptable answer would have been “People Enjoying Tasty Animals”

PS- I love Kentucky Fried Chicken

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New Hampshire Drinking Law Proposal

Posted by latchbeam on February 17, 2009

Some Dbag named Eddie Edwards (The state of New Hampshire’s liquor law enforcement chief… whatever the F that means…) wants to place a limit of “one drink, per hour, per customer” on any place of business that serves alcohol.  I am not making this up!  That’s right, you could only have one drink per hour when you go to a bar!  Goodbye New Hampshire bar and restaurant industry!  If there is some sort of award for not understanding the economic impact of stupid law proposals, this guy would win it by a landslide.

When you name your child “Eddie” while having the last name Edwards, you should know that your child is going to end up being a loser.  Eddie Edwards… seriously?  Come on Mr and Mrs Edwards… you could have done a little better than that!  How many times did Eddie come home with a black eye, a bloody nose or a wedgie?  I bet it was at least twice a week. 

Is his real name Edward?  Edward Edwards?  That’s even worse.  Its so stupid that it sounds as if it was made up on the spot by a nervous drunk being questioned by the police.

Edward’s proposal was submitted by Sen. Martha Fuller Clark (D)…  She is mentally retarded.  I just made that up, but it could very well be true as she clearly wants bars and restaurants to fail. 

Interesting side note: The state motto of New Hampshire is “Live Free or Die.”  Maybe it should be “Live in Moderation or Die?”  Or how about “Live in Moderation and Pay a Shitload of State Taxes or Die.” 

Some other possibilities:

“New Hampshire: You Can’t Smoke or Drink in Our Bars.”

“New Hampshire: We are Fucking Retarded.”

“New Hampshire: Why are you Even Here?”

“New Hampshire: The Spring Break Capital for Losers!”

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Chuck Norris vs. Steven Seagal

Posted by latchbeam on February 14, 2009

Nah, I’m just joking…

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A Short Conversation Between Ben Roethlisberger and Will Ferrell

Posted by latchbeam on February 10, 2009

Big Ben: “Hey Will, I just played the Super Bowl with two broken ribs.”

Will Ferrell: “Oh, hey Ben… I wish you weren’t a liar…”

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Lane Kiffin

Posted by latchbeam on February 9, 2009

The University of Tennessee’s Lane Kiffin accused The University of Florida’s Urban Meyer of cheating while recruiting a player that had an interest in both schools… clearly Meyer did not cheat.  On top of that, Kiffin mocked Meyer, repeating that Tennessee still landed the recruit over Florida. 

So, what happens next, Lane?

First, the SEC commissioner totally berates you in public for falsely accusing a coach of cheating and for not knowing the recruiting rules yourself. 

Then, this coming season, Florida is going to beat your team by 35 points… at least.  They will absolutely DESTROY you! 

Congratulations Tennessee, you hired an f-ing idiot to run your football program.

Lane Kiffin, you are a JACKASS!

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Comcast Played Porn During the Super Bowl

Posted by latchbeam on February 3, 2009

Somehow Comcast “accidentally” played nearly 10 seconds of porn during the Super Bowl… Now I really hate Time Warner Cable.

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