The Socially Abrasive

The Blog of the One and Only, Latch Beam

Archive for April, 2009

Update on the Al Franken Situation

Posted by latchbeam on April 29, 2009

It is official… Al Franken is STILL a chach… and all signs are pointing to him remaining a chach for life. Also, I think his parents are still disappointed in him for sucking at life. I just wanted to keep everyone updated and in the loop. Thank you,

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Gambling in Ohio

Posted by latchbeam on April 23, 2009

Here comes a long, overdue rant on Ohio and gambling…

A brief overview of some forms of gambling in Ohio:

Games of Skill?  Are you F-ing kidding me?!? I just drove by a brand new store that had “Grand Opening” and “Skilled Games” written all over its windows. How is that possibly legal in Ohio? Don’t give me that shit explanation of they are considered games of skill, so its technically not gambling. That’s F-ing Bullshit and everyone knows it!  Its gambling.

Ohio Lottery,  Mega Millions and all that other scratch off bullshit.  I’ll let that pass because they are giving back to the schools.  I’m just kidding.  What the F?!  What do they make and what do they really give to the schools?  What are your odds of winning?  Lotteries are one of the biggest scams in the history of the world.

Keno?  There’s Keno at every F-ing bar that you go to now!  Keno is a lot like the lottery, only it seems you are encouraged to drink alcohol while playing it.  I’ve never seen Keno in a place other than in a bar.  After you read the odds of winning on the back of the card, you’ll find that you should be drinking while playing… because you are throwing your money away.  Did you know the word ‘Keno’ in Latin means, “when you gamble your tip money away on some stupid F-ing game instead of giving it to a waitress or bartender who makes their living by serving you.”  In French it translates into “a lottery game for drunks.”

Horse Racing?  Seriously?  How the F is that allowed?  This is the most corrupt “sport” in the world!  But, hey, in Ohio you can certainly head over to the track and gamble away!  Does that make any sense?

Hey Politicians and all citizens of Ohio: GET YOUR HEADS OUT OF YOUR COLLECTIVE ASSES!!!  Why the fuck is there not a casino in Ohio?  Why is it ok for all these other forms of gambling to exist, but when it comes time to have a regulated casino; everyone is up in arms about it?!?  Casinos litterally surround our state and we lose out on BILLIONS of dollars in revenue and much needed jobs because of our citizens drive over there to spend money.  Our state needs that revenue… Our schools need that revenue!  People are obviously going to gamble, and its a fact that they already do in Ohio.  People can’t take a moral stance on what types of gambling are allowed and which ones are not.  I don’t want to hear it… the odds of winning in a regulated casino are much higher, so how is it moral to allow other low odds types that already exist?  Either allow it completely or not at all… but don’t take a half-assed, fake moral stance on it.  Get it right, Ohio…

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Posted by latchbeam on April 11, 2009

Missing household animals? An unusually high amount of missing persons in your state? Its not vampires or UFO’s… Its the F-ing Pterodactyls!! Extinct? I think not!

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Global Warming

Posted by latchbeam on April 9, 2009

Its April… In Ohio… and its snowing… F you, Al Gore… F you.

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Groundhog Hit by Snowball

Posted by latchbeam on April 8, 2009

Groundhog Hit By Potentially Dual Record-breaking Snowball (CANTON, OHIO)

Today, April 8th 2009, marks a historical event in Ohio… and in all probability, our nation’s history.  At approximately 9:00 AM, Latch Beam threw a snowball at a groundhog… hitting the groundhog near the shoulder/head region of its body. This marks the latest date in the history of Ohio in which a person has struck a groundhog with a snowball.

A truly impressive feat, taking into account that said animal was approximately 50-60 yards away, which is more than likely an overall American distance record for hitting a groundhog with a snowball as well.  Representatives of the Guinness Book of Records are currently reviewing the information.

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